It’s really weird, most dog owners I meet in the park have a very limited range of vocabulary. They jabber away to their friends about totally unimportant things like the quality of the coffee at the park cafe and what happened to the man at number 63 when he was taken away in the ambulance, but when they come to speak to us dogs they only use the same few words.

A really common one is ‘SIT’. We all know what it means but in case there are a few humans reading this, let me demonstrate :

The other word that is used in the park a lot is ‘HERE’. The problem is that humans don’t realise that ‘HERE’ is a relative term.

Let me explain. 
If I’m in the park and there are no dogs to play with and the squirrels are in hiding and it’s raining and Mum says ‘HERE’ I hear her and head on over for roasted liver treat and an ear fondle and maybe a ball throw. She tells me I am the best dog in the world.

However if :

• I am on the scent of this Class A Amazing Smelly Stuff that the park rangers put down on the football pitches to help the grass grow 
• And it’s totally fresh because they only did it this morning.
• And it’s gone into these cute little cracks in the ground that the tractor has made.
• And I can get my nose right in to sniff it but can’t actually get the Amazing Smelly Stuff out.
• And it has been spread over the whole of two football pitches.
• And there are concentrated blobs of Class A Amazing Smelly Stuff heaven at the corners of the football field where the tractor turned round 

Then this is what happens :

I don’t hear ‘HERE’. I don’t hear anything. I don’t want a roasted liver treat or an ear fondle or to chase a ball. I want the ClassA Amazing Smelly Stuff. I want it NOW and I want it ALWAYS. 

I don’t hear ‘HERE’ because I know Mum doesn’t mean ‘HERE’ she means ‘You are going on the lead and I am taking you home.’ But I only want ClassA Amazing Smelly Stuff so there is no way I am going near her.

Even if she tries sending another dog to distract me, I’m not interested. I want that Amazing Smelly Stuff and nothing else. It doesn’t matter how many times she shout’s ‘HERE’ – I’m not here-ing/hearing.

That’s what happened last week and Mum was cross with me.

This week I have been confined to the lead. Mum keeps saying ‘HERE’ to me and giving me a treat. 

Of course I can hear her. She’s right next to me at the other end of the lead and the ClassA Amazing Smelly Stuff has gone now. So I gobble up my treats and look cute and hope that she will let me off the lead soon, because I really need to stretch my legs.